At the End of Fear

Last night, I was firmly reminded that grace, as Spirit, can really show up in any time and place, in any form; that evolution has no limitations, time table, or business hours. Grace even shows up in the face of fear, because of it and with it. Last night was a big reminder and, no doubt, I moved big things while big things moved me. As I remain so moved, I would like to tell you that story.

Around 3:37 in the morning, I woke up screaming from a nightmare of the kind I haven’t had since I was a child. All my life, I’ve experienced night terrors, flash nightmarish dream residues that induce intense physiological reactions - rapid heartbeat, extensive sweating, shortness of breath, and full body trembles - without warning or any particular logic. These are awful, but are usually remedied by turning on the light and taking slow, deep breaths until my body stops pulsing.

However, I must have been 8 years old or younger since my last deeply inescapable nightmare of the degree I had yesterday. In the midst of one of these, the dream is inseparable from reality and prolonged - even if the light is on, even if I’ve had some water or eaten a little sugar, even if my partner is holding me and kissing my neck and reassuring me I am safe. That is to say, it is an experience that can’t be avoided, that I can’t run from, and that therefore, as it turns out, is profoundly important to feel.

The dream itself was unusual and didn’t seem on the surface as agitating as it became. I was taking part in a murder mystery night, in a restaurant in Paris, together with Sofia and a crowd of strangers who had come together for this event in the way we might come together for a pub quiz. It was engaging, good fun, and stimulating.

However, although the storyline was presented to us as any other distant narrative, the twist was that we ourselves were the characters and so, hidden among us, was a band of killers. Or so we thought. Simultaneously, we were all out for a night of entertainment and caught in a web of lies and deceit - and danger, since we were also all at risk of retaliation from the killer as the audience closed in.

I was quite engaged in the mystery, though anxious, as I had strong suspicions and felt intimidated by the presence of my suspects. Sofia, meanwhile, was less enthusiastic and seemed to spend more of her time fiddling with her belongings and packing them (we each had belongings packed for a long trip), so it made sense that she was the first to suggest heading home.

In my heart, I wanted to stay, to learn the truth, to follow up on my instincts, to remain on top of the situation, but in my mind, I wanted to run - away from danger, away from my fears, away from all the risk that remained in both of our lives as long as we remained in that place, away from my responsibility - so I agreed to leave right away, the night winding down anyways.

Heart beating fast, I looked up to see who it was and found his finger pointing straight at me as he announced gravely, "The carpenter."

Just as I was bending down to zip up my backpack, the host for the night named the killer - a single individual rather than 2 or 3 as I had primarily thought. Heart beating fast, I looked up to see who it was and found his finger pointing straight at me as he announced gravely, “The carpenter.”

Thoughts of Jesus flashed into my mind before the panic closed in and consumed me in a split second. I felt an inevitable cry of guilt, anger, sadness, and shame rise up from deep within me and pour out like a torrent, unstoppable, indistinguishable, impossible. It felt sinister, like a toxin; my whole system, full body, fought to avoid it, though of course, it couldn’t. The feelings would run their course, wholly unfettered and wholly engaging, as raw now as they were in their conception, from a time, I could feel, long ago.

The cry turned into a scream, which jolted me awake, disoriented and vulnerable. Bless her, Sofia woke with me, holding me, soothing me, coaxing me through practicalities to lower my heart rate and return back to a position of more easeful rest. When the energy of the nightmare persisted, as I lay with my eyes wide open in the dark, she held responsive and loving space for me to safely navigate it.

The beautiful angel who held and comforted me last night. I love this picture :)

Although not new in theory, she helped me facilitate a gentler intimacy with the fear, reminding me that it was a precious part of my life experience and encouraging me to listen to what it was telling me now. I softly began to cry, still in my physiological nightmare state but feeling the energy moving again through me, releasing and rejuvenating. As it picked up pace, Sofia stayed with me, miraculously aware of my movements within, compassionate and quiet.

“How are you so in tune with what’s happening inside me?” I asked in innocent disbelief. “Intuition, baby,” she said, understated.

The words came out of my mouth, from a place that felt like the beginning of my soul; I only listened to them as they were expressed beyond this lifetime. "I don't want to be scary. I want to be love. I want to be LOVE."

The turning point came as she continued offering me encouraging words, saying something to the effect of, “Your experience right now is scary, but don’t forget that you, me, and the two of us combined are even scarier. That nightmare is no match for us.” Although I understood that she was trying to say that the greatest power in this context came from inside my light and not the fear itself, all I could hear was her particular description. Scary.

The words came out of my mouth, from a place that felt like the beginning of my soul; I only listened to them as they were expressed beyond this lifetime.

“I don’t want to be scary. I want to be love. I want to be LOVE.”

After that, I was done. I surrendered entirely. The feelings thanked me and leapt into the sky, loving and wise, big and majestic, like wild horses running on the plains. In return, I could only say “thank you” over and over again in my head as I sobbed for many minutes and the pain of untold years flowed out of me, vivid but effortless.

Eat your fetters - an art mural in Teufelsberg, Berlin. A fitting display of strength for this post, I thought

I felt so intimately held, by the universe and by my girlfriend who had her arms wrapped tightly around me, not saying a word.

I felt that there was no time but Now, and that in this particular Now moment, the doors to the Pleasure of uninhibited living - of freedom, which is Love - swung wide open for me.

I felt the reminder that my body was a super-powered ally I could always use to read “truth” when my mind otherwise clouds my clarity.

I felt that every corner of and molecule in my heart was YES for this mission, for being the Love that I am with greater sincerity and willingness than ever before.

I felt the glory that I honored myself, my loved ones, and my world to be as I cleared out the smoke layers and let my life energy organically flow through me.

I felt, knowing that I had received a big big gift, blessed by grace, in revealing the strength of my commitment to myself in this way.

I felt that there was no time but Now, and that in this particular Now moment, the doors to the Pleasure of uninhibited living - of freedom, which is Love - swung wide open for me.

Eventually, the sobs subsided and I was steadily taking deeper breaths. Sofia suggested I make myself a cup of tea, mint, chamomile, or rooibos, to shift out of the fear frame further. That sounded great, but although the nightmare intensity was largely minimized at this point, I still felt hesitant about the unknown.

Nonetheless, I got up, shivering in the chilliness of the large room, and made my way apprehensively to the kitchen. As I waited for the water to boil, I felt exposed, still tender and vulnerable to an unseen with potentially harmful intentions, but in the newfound space I had just created, I called upon my guides and asked to know myself in my love once more.

In the light of my love, I was reminded that fear will always be there. Fear is always part of our lives, eternally. As I breathed, as I shifted myself out of the grip of the nightmare, as I let all my parts move freely, I had hoped that this work would also completely eliminate the fears of that night and that I could sleep “peacefully” undisturbed by any lurking terror.

In the light of my love, I was reminded that fear will always be there. Fear is always part of our lives, eternally.

Last night, my fear reminded me that peace is not the absence of fear, that fear is hands-on as my ally, and that, if I stop to listen to it, I’d find, among other things, that it doesn’t actually have an interest in taking the driver’s seat. In fact, that is actually an uninvited duty I dump upon it that it’s happy not to have. Fear always sticks around - it needs to, it wants to - but it’s more like the enthusiastic and intelligent assistant rather than the boss and, honestly, has some unique and meaningful contributions to offer.

The mint tea I prepared to soothe the nightmare state

So, again: peace is not the absence, or avoidance, of fear. Fear is always with us. Love is not the opposition or contradiction of fear, but has abundant place within it to contain fear as a part of our whole.

Standing in that kitchen, I felt no opposition, no worry, about embodying my Love in the presence of my fear. There was no conflict, and there was even delighted joy. Because of the presence of fear in the field of my love, there was another entity with which to engage, build connections, experiment, and color. There was more material to create with and more companionship with which to reflect my love back to myself and beyond. It was clear that the presence of my fear was only an asset, a collaborative relationship, and an extension of Love itself.

Peace is not the absence, or avoidance, of fear. Fear is always with us. Love is not the opposition or contradiction of fear, but has abundant place within it to contain fear as a part of our whole.

There is no end to fear, no city limit with a sign that says, “Come back soon.” Fear doesn’t stop and love doesn’t pick up where fear leaves off. This world, and our human nature, is not one of separation. It is of connection and unity, and these build without conditions, even (or especially) when there are contradictions.

I made my tea and went back to bed, letting these lessons sink into my physical body. I snuggled close to Sofia, whose last words to me were, “Sleep well, baby, long and deep. Tomorrow, you’ll write about this experience, because you have the words and your story will help people. I love you.”

It wasn’t the plan, I had hardly carried myself out of my own “danger zone” and I’d need to take more “risks” to write this, but bless her, I couldn’t deny the truth of those words and how much they made me shine. We should talk about (and de-escalate) fear like this much more often, and together with my (dazzling) fears, it’s my pleasure to get another conversation rolling.

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For your own contemplation: in what area of your life do you think you currently have the greatest opportunity with fear? What do you imagine that opportunity might look like?